Here we are– another 4+ months have passed since my last post. Where does the time go? Of course, 4 months isn’t really that long– unless you’re living with infertility. Every single day is a struggle. Every single day is challenging. It’s a difficult thing to understand unless you have truly experienced it yourself. All I can do is take everything one day at a time.
Before I update everyone with all the technical stuff, I want to say THANK YOU to those of you that have reached out to us over the past couple of months. While it has been difficult to come to terms with moving forward with IVF, the love and support with this from all of you has made this whole process so much easier. For those of you that do not know, a friend of mine made a GoFundMe in hopes to raise a little bit of money to help us with IVF.
At first I had mixed feelings about the page because, well, people can be pretty harsh when it comes to “raising money for a baby”. My husband and I have always lived very simple lives. We do not live beyond our means and we take pride in owning our own home, having vehicles to drive, and never having to ask anyone else for anything. I’m very thankful for my husband, as he has worked his tail off to make sure I could graduate school, etc. The fact of the matter is, our medical bills have been taking over our lives. We having been paying them off as they come, and we have even been able to save some money along the way! With that being said, IVF is expensive.
To the friends who donated their hard earned dollars to help us create our family, thank you. How can I ever repay someone for helping me try to become a mother? I really do not think there is a way to repay someone. I’m so beyond blessed and grateful. Perhaps I can repay everyone with lots of baby pictures in the near future?………**Crosses fingers. For those wondering–the GoFundMe raised 1,045 dollars. After taxes we were able to take 955 dollars from that amount. This money will be used towards the medications needed for IVF. One medication alone is costing us 800 dollars and that is only one of the ten medications. Now I understand why people say kids are expensive! 😉
Do not get me wrong, I would pay whatever I had to for the chance to be a mother. It is not really about the money. It’s the uncertainty that scares me. It’s the idea that we could go through all of this and still end up childless on the other side. I cannot think like this though (easier said than done most days), because it will only make it more difficult.
So, perhaps we are at the point where I can share what has happened (medically) since my last post. Since my post in October we have officially decided to move forward with IVF. Here are the reasons:
1.) Alex’s morphology (the shape of his swimmers) has not changed– even after his surgery. Less than 1% per million sperm are considered normal. (This would make it difficult for me to get pregnant even if I didn’t have a million issues of my own.)
2.) In January, after having an ultrasound of my uterus, it was discovered that my uterus was not shaped the way it should be. This was an extremely hard day for me. My doctor was unsure why it was shaped incorrectly and I was told that surgery was necessary in order to correct it. Here we go again……. another surgery. What really got to me was the obvious. My uterus looks essentially deformed and this is where my babies are supposed to grow? I cried the entire drive home because I knew that if this couldn’t be corrected, my chances of getting pregnant were very slim. My RE was most concerned about the fact that the way it was shaped could cause me to miscarry if I were pregnant so it was absolutely essential to figure out the issue and fix it. Long story short– I had a septum on the top of my uterus and many polyps inside as well. These were all removed and the septum is hopefully fully corrected. The ultrasound that I will be having within the next 3-4 weeks will officially determine if everything looks alright. My RE was extremely optimistic post-surgery, they just wanted to make sure my body had time to heal before doing another ultrasound and essentially moving forward with IVF
3.) While we seem to have a million things going against us, I am confident about some things. We are young; I have always been “regular”;I ovulate, and let’s face it, modern medicine can do some pretty amazing things! It is just up to my eggies and my body to agree with everything!
So I am sure many of you are wondering when we will actually be starting the process of IVF. Well, if my ultrasound comes back okay, things will start happening hopefully in May/June. To say that I am anxious is an understatement. The shots make me nervous; the hormones make me nervous, and the thought of experiencing more hot flashes is darn right frightening! I didn’t mention it above, but after my last surgery I had to take estrogen and I lasted all of three days before they told me I could stop taking it. ( I guess it wasn’t essential to take….) I had constant hot flashes and I would burst into tears for no reason. I am supposed to take this same exact pill for a month. Lord help me!
Hopefully while I am in the middle of the madness I can post an update about how the shots and things are going. I suppose I should take this time now to apologize for anything crazy I may say/type in those posts!! It also might be a good idea to say a prayer for my husband– lol!!
Speaking of my husband, I cannot say enough good things about this man. How I ever got so lucky to have someone so amazing by my side is beyond me! He has been so supportive of me (even when I am an emotional basket-case) and he has been so supportive of this whole process. He is going to be such an amazing father.
My emotions are constantly going back and forth. Some days I think “I could actually be pregnant this year!” While other days I wonder…..”what if it doesn’t work?” I honestly cannot wrap my mind around this notion. This isn’t like missing out on a job opportunity or someone passing on your offer for a house. These next few months are going to essentially have the potential to change my life forever. Pretty heavy stuff if you ask me!
I would be lying if I said I didn’t dream of being able to do this on our own. While opening up about our journey has been rewarding in so many aspects of our lives, it has been extremely difficult in others. Our relationships with certain people have struggled and I honestly feel so alone at times. I understand people do not know what to say so they often do not say anything at all, but in all honesty, sometimes that’s more difficult to deal with. Luckily, I have had so much support from people I would never expect support from, so that makes it easier!!!!
About a month ago I told myself that it was time for me to start cutting out certain people in my life, family or not. I am so sick of my feelings being pushed to the side as if they don’t matter. I realize we all have things going on in our lives, but pushing my feelings to the side as if they are irrelevant is not going to fly with me anymore. It is absolutely ESSENTIAL that I am in the best of health not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.
Now comes something that has been REALLY bothering me these past few months. Here goes nothing…….
If how much I work or do not work bothers you, feel free to continue life without me in it. I have been working long term sub jobs since last October. I squeezed in a surgery in between these jobs, and will be working right up to the first week of May. Yet, it bothers some people that I do not have a full-time job. Of course I wish I had steady work. Not only would it be a consistent income, but I would be able to fulfill my dream as a full-time teacher. While working can often times be a good distraction, it does not change the fact that my chosen profession has me surrounded by other people’s children every single day. Believe it or not, this is not always the easiest thing in the world to deal with every day.
I have wanted to be a teacher for as long as I can remember, and the opportunities I have had recently have been absolutely wonderful. With that being said, my desire to be a mother will always be greater than anything else. The ache in my heart grows with each passing day, but I haven’t given up hope just yet.
No one will ever make me feel guilty again for my feelings, my choices, or how much money I make compared to my husband. Believe it or not, we are a TEAM, and frankly, we are a damn good team if you ask me. ❤️
While I hope I am able to write some more frequent updates on here, I can’t help but wonder how different things will be in another four months. I hope and pray that this is our time. If you are reading this and wondering the same thing, please know my thoughts are with you. I know the pain you are suffering; you are not alone.
For those of you with little ones–please give them extra kisses and snuggles for me. Let go of the little issues and remind your tiny miracles just how much you love them.
With all my love (still waiting on that stork!),
P.S. Sending out baby dust and BFP’s all around!