IVF-here we come!

Here we are– another 4+ months have passed since my last post. Where does the time go? Of course, 4 months isn’t really that long– unless you’re living with infertility. Every single day is a struggle. Every single day is challenging. It’s a difficult thing to understand unless you have truly experienced it yourself. All I can do is take everything one day at a time.

Before I update everyone with all the technical stuff, I want to say THANK YOU to those of you that have reached out to us over the past couple of months. While it has been difficult to come to terms with moving forward with IVF, the love and support with this from all of you has made this whole process so much easier. For those of you that do not know, a friend of mine made a GoFundMe in hopes to raise a little bit of money to help us with IVF.

At first I had mixed feelings about the page because, well, people can be pretty harsh when it comes to “raising money for a baby”. My husband and I have always lived very simple lives. We do not live beyond our means and we take pride in owning our own home, having vehicles to drive, and never having to ask anyone else for anything. I’m very thankful for my husband, as he has worked his tail off to make sure I could graduate school, etc. The fact of the matter is, our medical bills have been taking over our lives. We having been paying them off as they come, and we have even been able to save some money along the way! With that being said, IVF is expensive.

To the friends who donated their hard earned dollars to help us create our family, thank you. How can I ever repay someone for helping me try to become a mother? I really do not think there is a way to repay someone. I’m so beyond blessed and grateful. Perhaps I can repay everyone with lots of baby pictures in the near future?………**Crosses fingers. For those wondering–the GoFundMe raised 1,045 dollars. After taxes we were able to take 955 dollars from that amount. This money will be used towards the medications needed for IVF. One medication alone is costing us 800 dollars and that is only one of the ten medications. Now I understand why people say kids are expensive! 😉

Do not get me wrong, I would pay whatever I had to for the chance to be a mother. It is not really about the money. It’s the uncertainty that scares me. It’s the idea that we could go through all of this and still end up childless on the other side. I cannot think like this though (easier said than done most days), because it will only make it more difficult.

So, perhaps we are at the point where I can share what has happened (medically) since my last post. Since my post in October we have officially decided to move forward with IVF. Here are the reasons:

1.) Alex’s morphology (the shape of his swimmers) has not changed– even after his surgery. Less than 1% per million sperm are considered normal. (This would make it difficult for me to get pregnant even if I didn’t have a million issues of my own.)

2.) In January, after having an ultrasound of my uterus, it was discovered that my uterus was not shaped the way it should be. This was an extremely hard day for me. My doctor was unsure why it was shaped incorrectly and I was told that surgery was necessary in order to correct it. Here we go again……. another surgery. What really got  to me was the obvious. My uterus looks essentially deformed and this is where my babies are supposed to grow? I cried the entire drive home because I knew that if this couldn’t be corrected, my chances of getting pregnant were very slim. My RE was most concerned about the fact that the way it was shaped could cause me to miscarry if I were pregnant so it was absolutely essential to figure out the issue and fix it. Long story short– I had a septum on the top of my uterus and many polyps inside as well. These were all removed and the septum is hopefully fully corrected. The ultrasound that I will be having within the next 3-4 weeks will officially determine if everything looks alright. My RE was extremely optimistic post-surgery, they just wanted to make sure my body had time to heal before doing another ultrasound and essentially moving forward with IVF

3.) While we seem to have a million things going against us, I am confident about some things. We are young; I have always been “regular”;I ovulate, and let’s face it, modern medicine can do some pretty amazing things! It is just up to my eggies and my body to agree with everything!

 

So I am sure many of you are wondering when we will actually be starting the process of IVF. Well, if my ultrasound comes back okay, things will start happening hopefully in May/June. To say that I am anxious is an understatement. The shots make me nervous; the hormones make me nervous, and the thought of experiencing more hot flashes is darn right frightening! I didn’t mention it above, but after my last surgery I had to take estrogen and I lasted all of three days before they told me I could stop taking it. ( I guess it wasn’t essential to take….) I had constant hot flashes and I would burst into tears for no reason. I am supposed to take this same exact pill for a month. Lord help me!

Hopefully while I am in the middle of the madness I can post an update about how the shots and things are going. I suppose I should take this time now to apologize for anything crazy I may say/type in those posts!! It also might be a good idea to say a prayer for my husband– lol!!

Speaking of my husband, I cannot say enough good things about this man. How I ever got so lucky to have someone so amazing by my side is beyond me! He has been so supportive of me (even when I am an emotional basket-case) and he has been so supportive of this whole process. He is going to be such an amazing father.

My emotions are constantly going back and forth. Some days I think “I could actually be pregnant this year!” While other days I wonder…..”what if it doesn’t work?” I honestly cannot wrap my mind around this notion. This isn’t like missing out on a job opportunity or someone passing on your offer for a house. These next few months are going to essentially have the potential to change my life forever. Pretty heavy stuff if you ask me!

I would be lying if I said I didn’t dream of being able to do this on our own. While opening up about our journey has been rewarding in so many aspects of our lives, it has been extremely difficult in others. Our relationships with certain people have struggled and I honestly feel so alone at times. I understand people do not know what to say so they often do not say anything at all, but in all honesty, sometimes that’s more difficult to deal with. Luckily, I have had so much support from people I would never expect support from, so that makes it easier!!!!

About a month ago I told myself that it was time for me to start cutting out certain people in my life, family or not. I am so sick of my feelings being pushed to the side as if they don’t matter. I realize we all have things going on in our lives, but pushing my feelings to the side as if they are irrelevant is not going to fly with me anymore. It is absolutely ESSENTIAL that I am in the best of health not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.

Now comes something that has been REALLY bothering me these past few months. Here goes nothing…….

If how much I work or do not work bothers you, feel free to continue life without me in it. I have been working long term sub jobs since last October. I squeezed in a surgery in between these jobs, and will be working right up to the first week of May. Yet, it bothers some people that I do not have a full-time job. Of course I wish I had steady work. Not only would it be a consistent income, but I would be able to fulfill my dream as a full-time teacher. While working can often times be a good distraction, it does not change the fact that my chosen profession has me surrounded by other people’s children every single day. Believe it or not, this is not always the easiest thing in the world to deal with every day.

I have wanted to be a teacher for as long as I can remember, and the opportunities I have had recently have been absolutely wonderful. With that being said, my desire to be a mother will always be greater than anything else. The ache in my heart grows with each passing day, but I haven’t given up hope just yet.

No one will ever make me feel guilty again for my feelings, my choices, or how much money I make compared to my husband. Believe it or not, we are a TEAM, and frankly, we are a damn good team if you ask me. ❀

While I hope I am able to write some more frequent updates on here, I can’t help but wonder how different things will be in another four months. I hope and pray that this is our time. If you are reading this and wondering the same thing, please know my thoughts are with you. I know the pain you are suffering; you are not alone.

For those of you with little ones–please give them extra kisses and snuggles for me. Let go of the little issues and remind your tiny miracles just how much you love them.

With all my love (still waiting on that stork!),

Kristina

P.S. Sending out baby dust and BFP’s all around!

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Surgeries, updates, and still no baby-oh my!

It is hard to believe it has been over four months since my last post. Why has it been so long? Well, like most people, I have been rather busy and it is easy to neglect writing on an online blog.

With that be said, there is a small part of me (okay, a huge part of me) that always hopes my next blog post will be full of good and exciting news. I constantly ask myself, do people really want to read about how sad I am to still not be pregnant? I talk myself out of sharing and let the feelings bottle up. Anyone who has gone through this journey of infertility knows this is the last thing you want to do. Yet I continue to do it.

I find different ways to distract myself with the hopes that if we “stop trying….it will happen.” (FYI: infertile people hate hearing this). We practiced not trying for years, so please keep that comment to yourself. I say this with love.

Luckily, I haven’t been as emotional these past few months. There was a period of time where I would cry myself to sleep every single night. I am not sure if I am becoming more numb to my feelings or if I am trying to simply stay hopeful.

Can you say, emotional roller-coaster? Clearly I do not know how to feel anymore!

Anyways, my small ray of hope comes from the fact that both my husband and I had surgery this summer. His was to get rid of his varicocele and mine was to get rid of the excessive amounts of scar tissue left from a ruptured appendix and a semi-botched surgery.

Lets start with the hubby’s surgery and outlook. The varicocele has been completely corrected. (Recurrence is possible, but unlikely.) Now we are playing the waiting game to see if this will change the morphology of his swimmers. His next appointment is the first week of January. *Crosses fingers.*

Now, onto my surgery- I had a laparoscopic surgery done with the intent to remove cysts and any scar tissue left behind from my surgery back in 2007 when my appendix ruptured. Going into this surgery was so nerve-wracking for me. Yes, these types of surgeries are very common and the incisions are minimal, yet deep down I was terrified of what my doctor would find.

As I started to finally wake up the first thing I remember hearing is “Kristina, you will be staying overnight-your surgery lasted a couple more hours than normal and we want to make sure you are okay before you go home.” (The surgery was supposed to be an hour, tops, and it was supposed to be out-patient.) Although I was still in a fog I remember feeling so overwhelmed with emotion in that moment.

(Fast forward to my doctor coming to visit me later that day…) In case this is your first time reading my blog, it is important to note how much I love my OB. He is the first person to give me the time of day and actually listen to my concerns. Anyways, he starts off by asking how I am doing and then proceeds to tell me what all happened. “As soon as I got in there I said, ‘Awe, f*ck’–I immediately knew the procedure would be difficult.” (Yes, he said the f-word–part of the reason why I love this guy so much…) He explained everything he did and then told me the scar tissue was so badly caked around my ovaries, bowels, uterus, etc. there was no way I would have gotten pregnant. My heart sunk. I knew from day one my insides were messed up but it did not make it any easier to hear.

Luckily, my doctor is amazing at what he does and he was able to make everything look so much better (I got to see before and after pictures.) Not only do my insides look more normal but for the first time in almost 9 years, my gut does not hurt constantly. It is still hard to believe I dealt with it all for that long! He had to fill my belly with so much gas during the procedure that he had to flip me over on the table to push some of it out. I don’t know about you but the thought of that was terrifying!

What really got me though was the moment when I thanked him for everything he did for me. I knew the surgery was not easy, and I know he was running behind the rest of the day because of me as well–I was his first patient of the day. As I thanked him he turned to me and said “don’t thank me.” I looked at him puzzled. “You can only thank me when I deliver your baby and put him/her in your arms.” ( I am tearing up typing this……) I am not sure he will ever know just how much those words meant to me.

So, while we have made progress these past few months- I still feel so lost. While both surgeries are positive, there is no way of knowing if it will make a difference until that test finally reads positive.


In other news: I have accepted a long-term substitute teaching job. This has been keeping me extremely busy, which is a good thing–for now.

My beautiful goddaughter was born earlier this month as well. Words cannot express how in love I am with this little girl already. She is such a blessing and I am so grateful for her snuggles.


Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read my blog. Your support means the world to me.

~Still waiting on that stork.~

[insert witty title here]

Where to begin? I suppose I will first start off by telling everyone that I am still not pregnant and we still do not know what is wrong. 😩

If you are coming here from Facebook, hoping to hear some real good news, I unfortunately do not have any. Last week I posted that we received good and bad news, and that changes were coming in the near future. My “good” news is essentially the fact that we are finally moving forward. We have been doing the same thing for a year now and to be honest, it is getting old. Some other good news was the fact that my insurance actually covered my ultrasound and tests. (I was not expecting this!) I guess this is me trying to find the silver lining…..?

So, last week I had my monthly appointment with my OB. It also happened to be my yearly exam. This exam only reminded me that I came to him a year ago with my concerns and still no baby. The worst part is the fact that this struggle has not just been going on for a year. We have just had our doctor involved in our sex life for a year-that’s all. (Yes, you can laugh at this!)

Before he even started the exam I knew this appointment would be different. He came in knowing I had lots to talk about this time around (I had mentioned it to the nurse beforehand) and he essentially said, “it is time to do something new.” The fertility medication(s) were doing nothing, all of the tests for both the hubby and I have come back “normal” and there is (so far) nothing too alarming.

Before he continued any further I asked about my ultrasound. He said everything looked okay EXCEPT for the two cysts the technician found on my ovaries. He said they were small, but that they could be part of the “problem”. I knew that he would suggest surgery so before he could say anything more I told him that if/when he goes in to remove these, I want everything else checked out.

Ever since 2007, I have ALWAYS had this gut feeling that my emergency surgery to remove my appendix would contribute to problems getting pregnant. For those of you that do not know, my surgery in 2007 went from a simple procedure to a life-threatening situation when they realized my appendix ruptured. I became septic and my incision went from one little mark on my side to four large holes down the center of my stomach. Needless to say, when I woke up after my surgery I was in quite a bit of shock.

My surgeon told me that she accidentally nicked one of my tubes while she was in there and that I “may have trouble conceiving in the future”. Even at 16 years old this was hard to stomach and accept. So when I had the HSG test done last year (where they push dye through your tubes to make sure they are open) and mine looked okay, I thought maybe they are okay and I will be fine. Maybe all we needed were some medications and supplements…..? Not so much.

The thing that has concerned me the most is the scar tissue. I told my doctor this and he agreed that if I have scar tissue surrounding my tubes, ovaries, etc. this could very well be the problem. He told me that he wanted to do the surgery as soon as possible and depending on what he finds out/does, we will go from there. He will be removing the cysts, any scar tissue, and checking to see how everything looks. After 8 years of not knowing what my insides look like and if my parts are actually suitable for getting pregnant, I will finally have my answer(s).

My surgery is on July 13th. I have to be at the hospital at 7 am. To say that I am nervous is an understatement. Yes, this is only a laparoscopy and most people are able to resume normal activities the next day, but it still makes me anxious. It makes me nervous for two reasons: the last time I went in for a “simple” surgery, I almost died and this surgery may finally answer why I am unable to get pregnant. Yes, of course I want an answer, but I also do not want to hear something is wrong with me.

Essentially, if this does not help we will be moving on to an RE. Hopefully this surgery will give us more answers for our RE (we still do not know who this person will be as of right now) and we can move on from there. If the surgery does not help, IUIs and IVF will more than likely be in our near future.


My husband and I have been receiving continued support from a handful of people, which is nice. We have also had to bite our tongue a lot, but anyone going through infertility knows how this goes! Still to this day one of the hardest things to hear is how we just need to “relax”. If I could dissect how wrong/annoying this is for someone to say to an infertile couple in just a few words, I would, but I can’t so I shall move on…… LOL

I am not going to lie, I have my good days and bad days. Some days I am so emotional I have no motivation to do anything. I try to focus on other aspects of my life but everything just feels so empty. Every pregnancy announcement, every baby photo/video/commercial hurts. At this point it seems like everyone is pregnant besides me. Of course this is not true and I know there are millions of couples struggling to conceive but it sure does feel like I am the only one at times.

Not only are friends and acquaintances getting pregnant, but mine and the hubby’s family members are getting pregnant as well. The hardest part about this is the fact that I have to find a balance between happiness for them and sadness for myself. I know how this sounds but it is just the truth. It is not that I am not happy for our family, I just wish I could experience it as well.

I am over the moon about a special baby that will be joining my family later this year. In fact, my husband and I have been asked to be godparents to this special little bundle. At this point in my life I cry at nearly everything so when I was asked to be a godparent I could barely contain myself. Talking about the baby, planning the shower, and even seeing the ultrasound photos has been surprisingly easier than I expected. I am beyond excited for the new mommy and daddy and I hope they both know how grateful I am to have them in my life.

Not only will I be able to spend time with the new baby, he/she will always hold a special place in my heart. The parents know what my hubby and I are going through and I cannot express enough how thankful I am that they decided to share this time with us, rather than hide it.

Yes, infertility sucks. Yes, hearing about other pregnancies can be overwhelming, but once we process it, we are okay. I never want people to hide their pregnancies from us, nor do I want them to be afraid to share their experience(s) with us either. Just because things are not going how I want them to for us does not mean that I am incapable of being happy for someone else. Pregnancy is an amazing thing that I never want my friends or loved-ones to hide from me.


With all of that being said, I am at a point now where I cannot ignore my feelings or emotions and I wish I would stop feeling so guilty about it. Even after starting this blog and receiving so much support I still feel like it is unfair for me to be hurting………..

– The doctors haven’t found anything really wrong.

– We are young.

– There is always IVF/adoption.

– Once we relax our time will come.

These are the things that I live with day in and day out. These are the things that I have to process all the time and not get offended when someone mentions it. None of these things help, in fact, they make it worse.

I have wanted to be a mom since I was a young child. The older I get, the harder it is for me to see this dream coming true. Having to accept the fact that I cannot do something we as humans should be able to do, is difficult.

At the end of the day, I am still not pregnant and it SUCKS. Enough said.


Does this mean I have given up hope? No way!

Will I continue to have bad days? Yes.

Does life go on? Yes, but until I am able to experience motherhood there will always be a void in my life.


For those of you reading this that are pregnant or have recently gotten a BFP know that I am so very happy for you. Do not feel guilty about the miracle growing inside of you. I know that when my time comes you all will be there for me and for that I am forever grateful.

For those of you reading this that are still struggling, please know that you are not alone. It is okay to cry, it is okay to be angry, and it is okay to have your bad days. You deserve happiness and fulfillment in your life just like everyone else. Do not let anyone take that away from you.

With all my love,

Kristina

MIA for nearly five months; still no BFP.

Well, it has been nearly five months since my last post, and essentially nothing has changed. In the baby department anyways…..

So, where have I been? Well, from January to April I was student teaching and completing my degree in Elementary Education. I considered writing multiple times, especially after another disappointing month, but I would always talk myself out of it.

I find myself feeling apprehensive in terms of sharing my feelings anymore. I am at a point where the littlest thing(s) will make me cry and I always feel guilty putting others in a position where they may feel uncomfortable and/or not know what to say.

On top of that, I find myself getting frustrated with other people’s comments. I very rarely post things on Facebook anymore in fear of what someone will say. I realize that when someone reaches out to me (or my husband) they often do it with the best intentions and because they care, and I could never fault them for that.

The problem with the comments revolve around the fact that they make me feel like I am doing something wrong. When someone says “you just need to relax; you have so much on your plate-once you relax it is bound to happen,” I immediately feel like it is my fault. Not only may there be some hidden problem within my body, that the doctors haven’t even discovered yet, but now you are implying that the way I am feeling is prohibiting me from getting pregnant.

*Realizing that I should not have to apologize for my feelings is something I am still working on.*

There are another handful of other comments that have been said recently, and I am sure many of my infertile friends will be able to relate, but I just want to focus on one more at this point.

“You are still young; you have all the time in the world to have kids.”

If I hear this one more time I may just go postal.

Yes, I am 24 and my husband is 26, but in terms of your most fertile years (especially for a woman) this is not all that young. My hubby and I are no where closer to figuring out what is wrong, and when you start laying out the timeline, it is scary. This is just for one child, too. I have always dreamed of having a big family, but right now my vision is becoming smaller because this is what is more realistic. If we are blessed with one and only one, I will be happy. If we are blessed with more, I will be happy. It is just ignorant to sit back and think “I have all of the time in the world,” because clearly I do not. I just pray that those in my life that are putting off having children do not face the same things my husband and I are in the future.

This brings me to where we are in terms of our journey. My husband has been taking a supplement in order to improve his swimmers and luckily they have improved tremendously. His doctor basically said there is no reason she should not be pregnant right now. Well, okay, looks like the ball is back in my court….

For the past four months my cycles have been a little off. My doctor upped my dosage of Femara though, so I am thinking this has contributed to some of the issues. My face has broken out so badly that there have been a few days I was embarrassed to even work/see people.

I have considered that the possibility of the stress from student teaching/graduating has helped contribute to my cycle issues, but who knows. I do know that the meds are working because I can feel twinges in my ovaries/tubes and I have headaches and hot flashes when I take it.

Due to the early cycles and odd symptoms surrounding my cycles my doctor ordered an ultrasound to make sure everything still looks okay. Of course this was scheduled the day after Mother’s Day, and I still do not know the results of this. When I went in for the ultrasound the technician asked how my Mother’s Day was and I replied frankly, “not good.” She then asked me if it was because of the weather and while I said “no,” all I could think was really lady? It wasn’t that big of a deal because most of my frustration surrounded other drama, not even the fact that I was going through another Mother’s Day, childless.

Then as she begins to do the ultrasounds she asks if I have had any children. Nope. “Well, this scar on your belly, what is this from?” I explain it was from an emergency surgery I had after my appendix ruptured. She goes on to ask why I was having the ultrasound and after I explained she went on to ask how old I am, where I work, and if I was seeing a specialist yet. I was my sweet self during the whole thing and just let her insensitivity towards the subject go. Mostly because I was too distracted by all of my “lady parts” on the screen.

As she was measuring everything and taking photos, all I could focus on was my empty womb. She measured blood flow during this procedure and it made this swooshing-like sound that made me close my eyes and imagine a baby’s heartbeat. I imagined sitting with my husband in the room, holding his hand, and seeing our little miracle on the screen. Then she said, “okay I am done,” and I came back to reality. No husband with me, no baby on the screen, just a lady doing her job (kind of) and a broken-hearted, infertile, 24-year-old woman laying on a table.

The technician did not say much during the ultrasound other than the fact that my follicles looked good. My next doctor appointment is in June and I have decided that this is the appointment where something needs to change. We are going on a year of Femara, three years of consistently trying, and we have not made any progress. At least that is how I feel. I am thinking exploratory surgery may be in order eventually as well as finding an RE. I realize we probably should have done this awhile ago but I was really hoping the medication from our Ob/gyn would do the trick. Sigh.

The hubby and I already have the mindset that IUI’s and IVF may be in the near future. We are money savers already but now the pressure is really on now. I hope and pray that I can manage all of this and land a teaching job for the fall. This income would of course make a huge impact on our ability to go forward with these procedures. Not really sure how I am going to “relax,” but I will try my best.


On an extremely positive note, my husband and I have recently connected with another couple who have suffered from infertility. They lived across the country up until recently and we were able to meet them for dinner (with their super sweet baby girl!) last week. It was our first time meeting in person and it was so nice to finally connect with people who truly understand how we feel. Seeing them with their baby made me so happy because it gave me hope. I feel so grateful to have such a great support system from them and the fact that I can have baby snuggles occasionally is just an added bonus! 🙂

Like I mentioned earlier, I finally graduated from college. My fur-babies are doing well and my husband is keeping himself occupied with work and hockey. Despite our down days, we are doing well, and we are figuring out how to navigate through this journey together.


Looking forward, I hope that this summer brings some more answers and perhaps some progress. Before starting this post I was able to briefly read some of my fellow-bloggers posts and I am happy to see so many of you are pregnant. I really hope I am able to join that club very soon.


I leave you all with something I posted on Facebook the other day. It was one of those rough nights where I was just crying myself to sleep thinking what I would say to my future child if I could.

Dear little one:

I know this world is a scary place, but please don’t be afraid anymore. Your mommy and daddy will protect you.

We already love you so much, sweet baby, and to be honest, your mommy and daddy are growing very impatient.

We promise to love you, even if you keep us up all night, and mommy never gets to shower. I do not mind; I promise.

Mommy and daddy will cherish you forever, little one.
We can’t wait to meet you.

Love,

Your mommy and daddy.

With all my love (still waiting on our stork!) -K

**Sending out lots of baby dust, positive vibes and BFPs for everyone very soon.**

Five Generations

First of all, I sincerely hope that everyone had an enjoyable holiday. For me, this holiday was unlike any other yet I still feel so blessed and lucky to have such supportive family and friends in my life.


As someone who has been trying to have children for years, and has dreamed about having children almost my entire life, I tend to over-think everything. I imagine every little aspect of my future child. I imagine telling my family about our bundle of joy in some ridiculously elaborate way. I imagine my husband being nervous to hold our child because he or she seems so frail. I imagine the delight on my parents’ faces with the realization that they are finally grandparents. I imagine my grandmother’s eyes welling up with tears while holding her first great-grand-baby from her first grand-baby.

One other dream I always had was for my child to be a part of my great- grandmother’s life in some way. The idea of five generations in our family seemed so magical. It was something I expressed to my husband and grandmother often. The gatherings; the pictures taken; the memories. Unfortunately, this will never happen. My granny passed away on December 22nd, at 84 years old.

At 24 years old, I realize how fortunate I was to have a great-grandmother in my life to even imagine these things. My granny was such a wonderful woman who I can only hope to emulate when I get older. She never complained about her ailments and she always had the greatest sense of humor (something she passed down to all of us!). Even at 84 years old she would request a beer with her holiday meal. How many people can say that about their granny? I remember always admiring her growing up because she never acted like a “stuffy old lady”. She could hang with the best of them and was simply a joy to be around.

My heart is still aching thinking about her being gone. This past week has been extremely difficult for my family yet so magical at the same time. On the 23rd we all came together to celebrate her life and I was able to see family members I never get to see around the holidays. While my heart was aching I knew that she had brought us all together for the holidays and I cannot thank her enough for doing so.

While my dream of five generations will never happen, I feel fortunate to be able to share so many stories about her with my future children. When I reflect on my granny’s life and look at old photographs of her I cannot help but smile and hope that I am able to a live a life as meaningful as hers.

As this year comes to close, I cannot help but wonder what 2015 will bring. Going forward, I plan on holding my granny close to my heart. Especially during the times where I am feeling lost and defeated.

I love you so much, granny. Thank you for bringing our family together this holiday season and reminding me just how precious life is. Thank you for renewing my strength to go forward and live every day to the fullest. Thank you for being you. I will never forget you.

With all my love, your very first great-grand-baby, Kristina.

10553531_10203331418544541_8756475148768419145_n Rest in Peace, Granny. I love you.

Always looking for a silver lining…

I think for many of us struggling with infertility, our lives often become consumed with negativity, sadness, and heartbreak. While I have days where I feel completely defeated and unsure, I also find myself trying to find a silver lining in this situation.


First of all, there is no doubt in my mind this situation has brought my husband and I closer. Having been with him for 8 years, it was easy to assume that we knew everything about one another, and we knew the power of our love. It may sound a little cliché but I have never loved my husband more than I do right now.

We have talked about having children for nearly six years and for many of those years I genuinely believe neither one of us realized how big of a deal having a child together would be. I do not mean this in a financial sense or a life-changing sense, but in the sense that creating a child with the person you love is a blessing that we should be so lucky to experience.

There is something to be said about a man who will hold your hand through every doctor appointment, every procedure, and every disappointment. My husband has been so supportive in so many different ways, and I am grateful for this.

Our struggle with infertility has made us both so much more appreciative and loving of one another. This is by far the greatest silver lining to come out of this journey.


Another silver lining I have taken from this journey is the overall appreciation I have for life. We live in a world where infertility is ignored, well until some lady gets pregnant with eight babies, and the whole world decides that IVF is something to be looked down upon; this of course is a whole other topic in itself! Anyways, we live in a world where life is under-appreciated, and this saddens me.

Due to the fact that many of us are here in this world without our parents having issues with fertility, (perhaps you were even a “whoops” baby), it takes awhile to realize how appreciative you should be to be alive! My appreciation for being here, on this earth, was something I never really considered prior to this journey.

At one of my last appointments I looked at my doctor and said “it is amazing to me that we are all born in the first place!” When looking at everything that has to happen for conception to take place it is absolutely amazing that we are all here. The hardest part, of course, is trying to not envy those who didn’t have to struggle for the optimal “baby-making environment” like the rest of us!


For those of you reading this that are thinking “well isn’t she just a positive little ray of sunshine” (or something of that nature) please realize that I do have days where I feel completely defeated. I am only human.

I have just realized that it is up to me to make this journey as “easy” or difficult as I want it to be. I try to remain positive because what other choice do I have? I want to continue to live my life while enjoying my time with family and friends. I do not want to look back on my life and only see tears and depression.

Finding your silver lining may not be easy, but I challenge all of you reading this to try. Think about your significant other. Think about the family and/or friends you have decided to share your journey with and how they have (hopefully) supported you. Think about the things you have realized about yourself; your strength, your perseverance, your appreciation for love and life.

Think about how lucky you are to be here. Think about how amazing it is to experience life, despite the struggles. Make your journey as positive as you possibly can.

With all my love (still waiting on our stork!) -K

**Sending out lots of baby dust, positive vibes and BFPs for everyone very soon.**

TTC and yes, I am still thankful.

This time of the year makes all of us start thinking about what we are thankful for. We reflect on what makes us thankful and we think of our friends and family, the roof over our heads, and all the little things that get us through our day (i.e. Netflix, french vanilla cappuccinos, chocolate, the list goes on……..)

With that being said, there is no doubt that the holidays seem to get more difficult with each passing year. While I still find myself being thankful for so much, I can’t help but think of how much more thankful I would be if I were showing up to thanksgiving dinner with a baby-bump or even a baby! Sigh.

Earlier this evening I had this overwhelming feeling that those around me might be thinking that I am not only miserable but I am in a place where thankfulness is nonexistent. I would be lying if I said I did not have my days where it was hard to find the silver lining, but this does not mean I am not grateful for what I do have.

I am grateful for my husband; my wonderfully supportive and understanding husband! I am thankful for my family, my friends, and my fur-babies. I am thankful for so many things, even all of the clichĂ© things. (I won’t bore you with them all……)

I do not want those around me to feel like I have no happiness left in me. Yes, this journey is harder than I ever imagined. Yes, the fertility medication I am on is causing unbelievable headaches and hot flashes but I am keeping my head held high.

Even with everything going on, life still does go on. Even on the darkest days most of us (I hope!) can find some part of our day we can be thankful for. If right now you are struggling to find something to be thankful for, take a deep breath, and realize this too is okay. Everything takes time.

I keep telling myself that this is just a moment in my life. This will not last forever, although it currently feels like forever. I try to reflect on others times in my life when something felt like forever, and I still persevered.

If you have taken the time to read my blog, thank you, and please know that you have more strength than anyone gives you credit for. As you sit down to thanksgiving dinner try to focus on the happy parts of your life. Try to imagine this as only being a small moment in time.

For those of you that are bombarded by baby questions at family gatherings, I will be thinking of you. You are not alone. Keep your head held high and ignore the insensitive comments. Unfortunately, some people will never quite understand.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

With Love, Waiting on our Stork!

Sending positive vibes, thankfulness and BFPs to all.