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Where to begin? I suppose I will first start off by telling everyone that I am still not pregnant and we still do not know what is wrong. 😦

If you are coming here from Facebook, hoping to hear some real good news, I unfortunately do not have any. Last week I posted that we received good and bad news, and that changes were coming in the near future. My “good” news is essentially the fact that we are finally moving forward. We have been doing the same thing for a year now and to be honest, it is getting old. Some other good news was the fact that my insurance actually covered my ultrasound and tests. (I was not expecting this!) I guess this is me trying to find the silver lining…..?

So, last week I had my monthly appointment with my OB. It also happened to be my yearly exam. This exam only reminded me that I came to him a year ago with my concerns and still no baby. The worst part is the fact that this struggle has not just been going on for a year. We have just had our doctor involved in our sex life for a year-that’s all. (Yes, you can laugh at this!)

Before he even started the exam I knew this appointment would be different. He came in knowing I had lots to talk about this time around (I had mentioned it to the nurse beforehand) and he essentially said, “it is time to do something new.” The fertility medication(s) were doing nothing, all of the tests for both the hubby and I have come back “normal” and there is (so far) nothing too alarming.

Before he continued any further I asked about my ultrasound. He said everything looked okay EXCEPT for the two cysts the technician found on my ovaries. He said they were small, but that they could be part of the “problem”. I knew that he would suggest surgery so before he could say anything more I told him that if/when he goes in to remove these, I want everything else checked out.

Ever since 2007, I have ALWAYS had this gut feeling that my emergency surgery to remove my appendix would contribute to problems getting pregnant. For those of you that do not know, my surgery in 2007 went from a simple procedure to a life-threatening situation when they realized my appendix ruptured. I became septic and my incision went from one little mark on my side to four large holes down the center of my stomach. Needless to say, when I woke up after my surgery I was in quite a bit of shock.

My surgeon told me that she accidentally nicked one of my tubes while she was in there and that I “may have trouble conceiving in the future”. Even at 16 years old this was hard to stomach and accept. So when I had the HSG test done last year (where they push dye through your tubes to make sure they are open) and mine looked okay, I thought maybe they are okay and I will be fine. Maybe all we needed were some medications and supplements…..? Not so much.

The thing that has concerned me the most is the scar tissue. I told my doctor this and he agreed that if I have scar tissue surrounding my tubes, ovaries, etc. this could very well be the problem. He told me that he wanted to do the surgery as soon as possible and depending on what he finds out/does, we will go from there. He will be removing the cysts, any scar tissue, and checking to see how everything looks. After 8 years of not knowing what my insides look like and if my parts are actually suitable for getting pregnant, I will finally have my answer(s).

My surgery is on July 13th. I have to be at the hospital at 7 am. To say that I am nervous is an understatement. Yes, this is only a laparoscopy and most people are able to resume normal activities the next day, but it still makes me anxious. It makes me nervous for two reasons: the last time I went in for a “simple” surgery, I almost died and this surgery may finally answer why I am unable to get pregnant. Yes, of course I want an answer, but I also do not want to hear something is wrong with me.

Essentially, if this does not help we will be moving on to an RE. Hopefully this surgery will give us more answers for our RE (we still do not know who this person will be as of right now) and we can move on from there. If the surgery does not help, IUIs and IVF will more than likely be in our near future.

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My husband and I have been receiving continued support from a handful of people, which is nice. We have also had to bite our tongue a lot, but anyone going through infertility knows how this goes! Still to this day one of the hardest things to hear is how we just need to “relax”. If I could dissect how wrong/annoying this is for someone to say to an infertile couple in just a few words, I would, but I can’t so I shall move on…… LOL

I am not going to lie, I have my good days and bad days. Some days I am so emotional I have no motivation to do anything. I try to focus on other aspects of my life but everything just feels so empty. Every pregnancy announcement, every baby photo/video/commercial hurts. At this point it seems like everyone is pregnant besides me. Of course this is not true and I know there are millions of couples struggling to conceive but it sure does feel like I am the only one at times.

Not only are friends and acquaintances getting pregnant, but mine and the hubby’s family members are getting pregnant as well. The hardest part about this is the fact that I have to find a balance between happiness for them and sadness for myself. I know how this sounds but it is just the truth. It is not that I am not happy for our family, I just wish I could experience it as well.

I am over the moon about a special baby that will be joining my family later this year. In fact, my husband and I have been asked to be godparents to this special little bundle. At this point in my life I cry at nearly everything so when I was asked to be a godparent I could barely contain myself. Talking about the baby, planning the shower, and even seeing the ultrasound photos has been surprisingly easier than I expected. I am beyond excited for the new mommy and daddy and I hope they both know how grateful I am to have them in my life.

Not only will I be able to spend time with the new baby, he/she will always hold a special place in my heart. The parents know what my hubby and I are going through and I cannot express enough how thankful I am that they decided to share this time with us, rather than hide it.

Yes, infertility sucks. Yes, hearing about other pregnancies can be overwhelming, but once we process it, we are okay. I never want people to hide their pregnancies from us, nor do I want them to be afraid to share their experience(s) with us either. Just because things are not going how I want them to for us does not mean that I am incapable of being happy for someone else. Pregnancy is an amazing thing that I never want my friends or loved-ones to hide from me.

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With all of that being said, I am at a point now where I cannot ignore my feelings or emotions and I wish I would stop feeling so guilty about it. Even after starting this blog and receiving so much support I still feel like it is unfair for me to be hurting………..

– The doctors haven’t found anything really wrong.

– We are young.

– There is always IVF/adoption.

– Once we relax our time will come.

These are the things that I live with day in and day out. These are the things that I have to process all the time and not get offended when someone mentions it. None of these things help, in fact, they make it worse.

I have wanted to be a mom since I was a young child. The older I get, the harder it is for me to see this dream coming true. Having to accept the fact that I cannot do something we as humans should be able to do, is difficult.

At the end of the day, I am still not pregnant and it SUCKS. Enough said.

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Does this mean I have given up hope? No way!

Will I continue to have bad days? Yes.

Does life go on? Yes, but until I am able to experience motherhood there will always be a void in my life.

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For those of you reading this that are pregnant or have recently gotten a BFP know that I am so very happy for you. Do not feel guilty about the miracle growing inside of you. I know that when my time comes you all will be there for me and for that I am forever grateful.

For those of you reading this that are still struggling, please know that you are not alone. It is okay to cry, it is okay to be angry, and it is okay to have your bad days. You deserve happiness and fulfillment in your life just like everyone else. Do not let anyone take that away from you.

With all my love,

Kristina